Internal Weather Systems
What to do when a dark inner weather system moves in and inhabits what is otherwise a relatively peaceful, sunny interior life? When sullenness moves through the veins like molasses and veils the eyes with shadows? When the heart becomes stubborn with grumpiness, and the shoulders slump like a sloth has taken up residence? When all the fun things feel like too great an effort, and the pull to curl up in a blanket is too much to resist? When I question everything that I love doing: really? Whatever made me think I even want to do these things in the first place?
Even though I know this state is temporary and that all things change eventually, I tap my fingers with impatience and annoyance as it lingers longer than I like. As if I had eaten something sour, and now its bitterness is stuck in my system until it works its way out.
Where did this come from?
For one thing, the world is seriously falling apart, and it looks to be getting worse by the minute, so there is good reason to whine and, moreover, to worry deeply. Of course, along with the deep worrying is the taking of constructive action—if I only knew what that was, I mumble. I recently heard the recommendation that we each determine where our passion lies, find a hero already championing that issue, and do the work they lay out. “Find your lane,” it was suggested. I think that’s good advice. It’s much better than spinning my wheels.
And what about these parts of myself that I wish were otherwise and didn’t cause so much inconvenience, if not downright dismay, for myself and those I love? Sigh. Sometimes I wonder which is contributing more to my mood, the state of our country or my personal shortcomings. Neither of which I am 100% responsible for creating in the first place, although undoubtedly, I have played a part. It all merits sincere attention and wise action, which I’ll get to … as soon as this gloomy weather pattern lifts.
I had hoped that writing this down would somehow assist the departure of these blues, but so far, this has not been the case. Even this time spent here joins the sullenness and the sloth. But before I find that rock to crawl under, I can’t help but notice how green the grass is today, shimmering with the recent rain, and how all these books that I have yet to read are actually my friends waiting to give me their gifts. And, the voices I hear in the next room belong to those I love, and they’re here for the hearing. And even though it’s a raw, chilly day, I have the softest blanket to wrap around me, and hot tea to warm me from the inside out.
So, yes, I will take the little joys, which are actually quite immense, alongside the molasses and the annoyance and grump, and they will coexist quite happily, sharing the space within for a while. I’ll remind myself how they’re all so exquisite – these passing inner states, that all of this is impermanent, and I’m privileged to experience it all. And I’ll consider ‘changing the channel’ to the gratitude channel; it always brings some relief and makes my heart smile.
What is your relationship with your own internal weather systems?
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