Separation - Joy, Loss, and Freedom

Today I was in my happy place: walking along the beach ankle-deep in the surf on Sanibel Island on a sunny, warm day. I have the joy, honor, and privilege of being here again for these winter months (who knew I’d turn 70 and become a snowbird – certainly not me!). Yet here I am, and I am overcome with gratitude.

As I walked along the shoreline, looking at the vast ocean (Gulf of Mexico) and open, clear blue sky, I practiced with the Five Remembrances. I’ve written about Buddhism’s Five Remembrances before, and I continue to practice with them almost daily. As I wrote in my 2025 essay, I find them very comforting, despite how off-putting they may first seem. It might be helpful to read that essay before going further here – just for some context. Here are the Five Remembrances:

1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape aging.

2. I am of the nature to become ill and injured. There is no way to escape illness and injury.

3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

4. Everything and everyone that I love is of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

5. My actions are my only true belongings. There is no way to escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

There is one phrase that really stands out for me in this particular setting:

“Everything and everyone that I love is of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.” (Sometimes it’s written: “no way to escape losing them”.)

Of course, this sounds horrible, depressing, a complete downer. But, as with the other four Remembrances, it can be very liberating. For me, I can’t help but think about how much I love being here; this piece of the natural world speaks to me deeply. Those who know me, know this.

Here’s how I find it helpful: I love it here, and I recognize my tendency to be attached to it, understandably. I would be very sad to lose it. And, I could very easily lose it, become separated from it, for a variety of reasons: another hurricane or two or three could devastate the island again, making it practicably uninhabitable temporarily or permanently; the rising of the sea could submerge it too much; I could lose my ability to fly or drive the long distance to get here due to health or injury; my life circumstances could call me to focus my time and resources elsewhere for reasons welcome or unwelcome.

I remind myself that this place, like every place on earth, is of the nature to change. As am I. Those changes may very well separate it from me, and I will lose it.

These Remembrances help me take the big picture, the broader perspective that supersedes any one place, person, or experience. It helps me cherish, appreciate, celebrate, and savor this place while I have it in my life, and that brings me joy and gratitude. It also helps me let go of the tendency to attach, grasp onto, and cling to my experience here; I know it’s not even mine. This place is not mine – no place is mine or anyone’s.

Another amazing part of Sanibel is watching the exquisite sunsets here. I could say: ‘I would miss my sunsets if I couldn’t come here anymore.’ Of course, those sunsets aren’t mine either. I don’t own this piece of the natural world any more than the fish own the ocean in which they swim, or the birds own the air in which they fly. I’ve been granted the chance to be here for a while to experience it. And when I am ultimately separated from it, I will feel sad, yes, and it might be tempting to feel resentful, but I won’t (hopefully), because the Five Remembrances help me let go of fostering those unhelpful responses to change and loss. I will remember it with the same joy, delight, privilege, and gratitude I feel right now. That is freedom!

This same mindset applies to everything in life, including me. Like all of us, I am subject to aging, illness, and death (The first three of the Five Remembrances). Some changes are wonderful and welcome, and some are unwanted and unwelcome; they are all part of this precious life. Can I feel it all deeply, try not to get too tangled up and tossed around by it, remember none of it is truly mine, and be ready to let it go when the time for that separation comes?

This is my aspiration!

What is your relationship with the things, places, and people you love?

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