Indecision?

I must note that this essay is not particularly weighty or profound, and when the world is burning, anything less than profound seems downright irrelevant. But, every once in a while, it’s good to come up for air and swim in the waters of the more mundane with a little amusement toward oneself.

Indecision. Does this plague you as much as it does me? What is behind this compulsion to weigh each option over and over? Fear of making a mistake? Fear of missing out (FOMO) on the thing not chosen? Fear of imperfection? For me, it seems that the less consequential the decision is, the more time I spend actively equivocating. I tell myself that this is not how I want to spend my time, energy, and effort. Yet I find it not so easy to put it down, walk away, or to actually make a decision and then let it go.

This was my life last winter because I had the happy task of renovating our little condo on Sanibel Island in Florida, which, like all of Sanibel, was damaged by Hurricane Ian over two years ago. I spent most of the winter there, mostly by myself, trying to make many decisions about things that mattered somewhat but not in an earth-shattering kind of way. Still, it was our responsibility to make our condo usable again—for guests to rent, for our family to enjoy, and someday for someone else to have and enjoy.

I made appointments for blinds to be installed (there were no functioning blinds anywhere in this condo, so it was fishbowl living for a while), new doors to be hung, and old furniture to be picked up by a local nonprofit. I did endless in-store and online research for all manner of things – chairs, beds, rugs, tables, and appliances. I found myself going down rabbit holes, taking notes on bits of paper, comparing features and prices until I couldn’t keep track of which website had the brown swivel chair, which had the red one, and whether the red was the right shade. I took out my measuring tape and measured and remeasured. Is this table high enough? Is it better to get a corner table or a side table, and where did I see the one I thought I liked best? Oh, it’s gone now. Start over. Hours go by like this until I’m cross-eyed, and my brain resembles cotton candy. I know this sounds like I am a disorganized person. Actually, I’m uber-organized, but here I had more balls in the air than I could easily keep up without getting bonked in the head.

Please don’t hear this as complaining—I was actually very happy doing all this, and supremely grateful that these were the kind of problems I had to address at the time. It was just a lot all at once, and I am not gifted with interior design skills or experience, so I made it up as I went along. Hence, the indecision. However, in the process, I did learn a lot and acquired the new skill of furniture assembly … and our place was starting to shape up.

All the while, I was trying desperately to avoid shopping at Amazon. I tried really hard. But you know what? Amazon just does it all better – every aspect of online retail is easier, faster, less expensive, and yields better results. Returning things is also easy. Even their search engine is better than most other sites. I hate them for this competence. Why can’t they apply such aptitude to treating their employees better, and why can’t Jeff Bezos engage in more social justice and address the income inequity that is killing us, rather than being a top contributor to it? I must stop; being mad at Amazon and feeling guilty about using them didn’t help, so I had to let it go. Feeling guilty about buying things when the world was burning didn’t help either, but I think my desire to be a good steward of the resources in our budget contributed to my indecision and waffling, as I wanted to get the best thing for the best price. Sigh. You see how it goes.

Then one day, I told myself to shut down my laptop, go for a walk by the ocean to clear the molasses from my brain, and do something that would restore my serenity rather than restore a condo. Maybe figure out how to help save our troubled country and world. And this, of course, leads to another place of indecision, that day and every day. What can I do? What is the most effective, most resonant action for me to take in this quagmire of our society? Uncertainty breeds indecision.

What I did know is that pushing down a path of trying to accomplish my tasks – any tasks – to the point of contraction of my heart/mind was not going to help anyone - not me, not the world, not the workers right outside my door that I interacted with daily.

So, I took a break every day. Pencil down. I walked in nature, breathed deeply, and reminded myself about the impermanence of material things, the goodness inherent in all of us, even those whom we deem ungood, and the vast lovingness of what is larger than all of us. This recalibration helped me to connect with a sense of simplicity and clarity, and to interact with people and myself from a place of more equanimity, love, curiosity, and openness.

Do you struggle with indecision or losing sight of the big picture? How do you relate to it?

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