What Does it Mean to Apologize?

I recently made contact with someone who was very important in my life 40 years ago. This was a man I thought I was going to marry. Instead, in my ignorance back then, I treated him badly, and after six years, the relationship ended.

I contacted him because he appears in my upcoming memoir, and I wanted him to know this before it is published and offer an opportunity to talk about it. While emailing back and forth a couple of times, I felt the weight of the wrong I had done. It was an opportunity for me to look inward and not just remember but to feel the pain I caused and to feel remorse. Yes, it always takes two people to contribute to a relationship dynamic, but I know I inflicted harm, and my heart hurt.

I apologized for my behavior and for the specific things I did. I didn’t defend it; I just said I was sorry for hurting and mistreating him. It felt really good to say this – better than I thought.

Interestingly, I never heard back. This surprised me; the exchange now just hangs in space. I wondered, did he not believe me; did he not care; did he not like or accept my apology; did he want to punish me; did he feel there was enough closure… so many possibilities that I may never know. I realized I was expecting a response.

I thought about how often we expect a response when we apologize. It can be a trivial offense, to which the expected and usually received reply is, “Oh, that’s okay, no worries.” Or it can be something much bigger, to which the response may call for a delicate and complex process.

In this case, I have now gotten comfortable with no response. It made me realize how good it feels not to have expectation. To apologize is to give freely, communicate what’s in our heart, and verbalize our remorse to the other. Not every apology will lead to acceptance, forgiveness, reconciliation, or even a reply, yet it is still important to do.

As I reflect on the nature of expectation, I see how much trouble we can get into when we are attached to a particular outcome or event. Expectation, it seems, is a direct path to disappointment. Expectation has a quality of grasping or clinging – what Buddhism names as the chief cause of human suffering. Hopes and dreams, on the other hand, can be beautiful and aspirational. But once they turn into solid or fixed attachments, we inevitably suffer - even in those rare instances when our expectation is perfectly fulfilled, because it reinforces and perpetuates expectation. To me, aspiration feels open and spacious, while expectation feels contracted and tight.

Apologizing to my partner from years past is all I can do, and I feel free because I am aware of and pained about my wrongdoing, and now he knows this too. I expect nothing more.

What is your experience with apologizing – wanting it or offering it?

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